Do you ever feel like you're just existing? Existing, not living... obviously you are alive, breathing, eating, speaking, walking, sleeping. But living, truly living?
When people ask children what they want to be when they grow up, there is an abundance of answers, and generally no hesitation involved. Who cares if they just told you they want to win gold at the Olympics, be an astronaut, or the President of the United States... they are living!
Dreams are what drive us, when we stop dreaming we enter the stage of existence. I am there. I hate it.
I feel like every time I move the giant "Dream Vacuum" magically appears and sucks the life out of me.
2009 was a year of the double whammy - 2 moves (actually 3, but moving home didn't take my dreams away). In January I moved to Northern California for my final college internship, 4mo of living on my own, in a place I didn't know, with no one familiar. My mom drove with me and spent the first night sharing my tiny barracks room (I interned for the Coast Guard MWR), the next morning I drove her to the airport and then hung out at the Golden Gate bridge for a couple of hours to avoid the anxiety of returning to that base.
Honestly the first month was rough, it's hard to make friends when you're on a training base for the Coast Guard where almost all of the guys are coming straight from boot camp or their first 6mo at sea. I was 22yrs old and ready to graduate college, my (now husband) boyfriend was stationed in Maryland not particularly happy I was surrounded by 18/19yr old guys, the nearest town's highlight was an outlet mall, and it rained 6 days of the week! Okay so the last one isn't a huge deal- but for this Zonie rain is depressing... I need the sun! Ultimately: I loved my internship, I had a family take me in, joined Bible studies at the chapel, and made some great friends.
On the way home from my internship I got engaged which lead to the 2nd move of the year... Maryland. I'd been to Maryland numerous times by the time we got married, in reality all of my stuff was there 3wks before the wedding. My dad and I made the grueling drive so hubby and I could actually have a honeymoon that didn't involve a packed Mazda 3 and highlights of dusty motels dotted across the country. I knew where I'd be living... but I didn't have any friends, have a job lined up, know my way around, or have any idea how to drive in snow! The first 3mo of our marriage were rocky at best... I hated being there. Not my husband, I loved it when he was home- but let's get real... he worked 12hrs a day and was usually exhausted in the evenings so he'd pass out by 9/9:30pm and I'd be on my own again. This lead to many arguments, at one point he even told me he was going to buy me a one-way ticket home so I could figure out what I wanted.
Figure out what I wanted. That was it... what did I want anymore? By this time it was January 2010... in the past year I had moved 800mi from home and back again, graduated from college, gotten engaged, planned a wedding in 5mo, gotten married, then moved 2,300mi away from home- for good.
While I didn't love the state or weather Maryland had to offer... we found a great church, made lasting friendships, got to travel to so many places, I had my first two white Christmases, and I tried a new profession (Photographer's Assistant) expanding my love of photography. I will not lie saying I miss Maryland. I don't... I miss my friends, my church family.
2011 it was time to move again... and boy did we move! On February 3rd everything we owned was loaded into shipping crates and placed on a boat for a trek over the ocean. February 6th hubby and I hugged and kissed at the airport, we wouldn't see each other again for 1.5mo- I was off to my parents and he was off to the south for training. The end of March was spent in California on a family vacation, living with friends in Maryland, and taking a whirlwind trip to NYC & Hoboken, NJ. April 6th we landed here in the land of aloha. After 2mo of living in a hotel room we finally moved into this apartment.
I feel unsettled. I absolutely love this state, the ocean breeze, hiking, swimming, etc. I do not love our neighbors, and while our apartment isn't bad I can't shake the feeling that we need to live on base. If for no other reason than I would feel safer being there when he deploys (although we'd save money by living on base too- rent and electricity here is ridiculous!). I have applied to no less than 30 jobs... it frustrates me to no end that 90% of them just leave you hanging (I experienced this in Maryland as well). How hard is it to send out a a mass e-mail to those applicants whom you do not select for the position stating "I'm sorry but the _______ position you applied for has been filled." Seriously, at least I wouldn't be wondering. We found a church we like, but we haven't committed to anything yet (ie: small group), so I don't know if that's a sign that we really aren't going to stay there?
I crave friendship. I love alone time- time to read, time to craft, time to veg. But I also need people in my life, people other than my husband for the pure fact that he's not always around. He's working 12hr days here as well, goes to bed early while I burn the candle into the night, we've been lucky to have a full Sunday together lately as he's had duty every Friday or Saturday for the past month. I want some semblance of normalcy.
I need the "Dream Vacuum" to stop sucking away... I need to get motivated, get out there, and do something for myself. Because we all know sitting on the couch watching netflix all day long and feeling sorry for myself is worthless, not to mention very unattractive! I'm praying God shows me something soon, be it a job, volunteering, figuring out if I actually want to try my hand at an online shop, or something else totally unexpected =)