I've tried to be more upbeat on the blog lately... staying away from my "illness" and showing you all of the fun activities we've been able to do, not to mention the beauty Hawaii has to offer. But, I need to be real with you all right now:
I've started seeing a counselor. He's the on-site family counselor at the health clinic here on base. I've only had one session so far but he seems to be a good man, a good psychiatrist. He is extremely anti-medication, which surprised me on two accounts. One- he works at a military health clinic, I feel like they hand out pills. Two- he's in the mental health field... you know what I mean... "you can't sleep?" there's a pill for that, "you're having panic attacks?" there's a pill for that... etc.
I honestly don't know what changed in my mind to make my day-to-day worries turn into full blown "my world is crashing in" panic attacks. All I know is they started happening during our epically long PCS here and gradually progressed until I ended up in the ER. I've also noticed they happen mainly at night... heart racing, can't sleep, diarrhea, and vomiting (sorry for the TMI!). I told my husband I feel like they are going to kill me. I am pretty sure a lot of it has to do with the fact that we've been here for 4mo and still aren't settled... 2mo in the hotel, 2mo in this crappy apartment, not many friends, etc. But I also think the looming deployment is seriously freaking me out... by the time he leaves we will have been married for 2yrs+ and together for the entire time -2mo(or so) of training. We've never done a deployment... yes, we dated long distance. But I am here to tell you it is not the same. Once you get used to living with someone, sharing a bed, a bathroom, a home,
a life... thinking of being apart for 7-9mo is terrifying. For me anyway.
I know I need to pull it together.
My mind and body are working against me.
I sometimes wake up with my heart racing, or randomly feel sick.
I hate this.
I am also still fighting with the acid reflux issue that popped up (because of the anxiety?) however, I can't seem to get into the GI Specialist until November or December... typical military, right?
Early Thursday morning (2am) I was admitted to the Military ER (my husband wasn't taking to me to the regular hospital again because last time they didn't give me any answers) and diagnosed with anxiety/panic attacks and acute gastritis due to anxiety. I was given a pill for nausea since I basically hadn't eaten in 2 days and at that point was throwing up water... and a pill for sleep/anxiety attacks. The doctor only gave me enough for a week... which is when I am scheduled to meet up with the base psychiatrist again. Honestly, it will be a relief to sleep (if the meds work) since I haven't gotten a full nights sleep in over 4mo, but I'm sad that they are addictive and can cause other issues.
I just want to say... if you feel anxious or have panic attacks... it's not just YOU, you are NOT crazy, there is a chemical imbalance in your life. I cannot stand people that judge others on the issues they are having and call them WEAK because of it. We are NOT weak, our bodies just aren't operating in a normal manner and that can be due to many things- change in medications (even birth control), diet, exercise plans, environment (ie: moving), and sense of loss (leaving everything behind again/deployments). Please to not judge us. Someday you may wake up in the middle of the night experiencing the same thing you called us weak for.
*sigh*
Onto a new road of recovery now...
Praying and trusting in God to get me to the end.
There is an end.
