Wednesday, November 2, 2011

rearing it's ugly head

My recent issues with anxiety and panic attacks aren't a secret {here, here, or here}... I just don't like talking about them because I get disappointed with myself. I get disappointed that even with my faith, reading the Bible, and prayers (by myself and others) I WAS doing better. However, I feel like instead of complete healing this week I am reverting. During the day I know that the deployment is getting ever so close but I work through it, I try to spend every second of the hour (or two) that I do get with my husband after he's worked a 16.5hr shift being positive and not thinking about him leaving... but my mind plays evil tricks on me. "Enjoy this, soon you won't be able to touch him, see his face, or hear him." Then I break down into tears and my poor husband just sits there and takes me being an emotional mess. Not the kind of "bonding time" I had in mind for our last weeks together.

I'm not sleeping so I'm exhausted.
My heart races all night so my chest has a dull ache in the morning.
My stomach is constantly in knots so I never feel 100%.

This sounds terrible... but I'm hoping once he actually leaves my body sucks it up. He'll be gone, so I can't dread his leaving me. I really can't imagine going through this nightly for an entire deployment... *sigh*

I have a meeting with the doctor tomorrow about my medications/travel arrangements (visiting family for Christmas)... I know she's going to want to start weaning me off my anxiety medication, but despite the fact that it can become addictive I don't know if that's a good idea in the weeks leading up to my husband's departure. Especially since all the above has continued to happen even while on it... I guess we'll see what happens.

Do any of you struggle with pre-deployment anxiety/panic attacks?
Did they go away, or is it a once you get them you have them type of deal?
If you don't want to comment for personal reasons, feel free to e-mail me:

I just want to be happy again,


  1. I wouldn't say that I had pre-deployment panic/anxiety attacks, but there was definitely anxiety! I had the same thoughts you're having. I often thought about how I needed to memorize his face, the touch of his hands, the feel of him next to me in bed, etc. I was a complete wreck in the few weeks before he left. Of course, we only found out when we moved here - a mere two months before he was to deploy. I'm sure that had a lot to do with it too. Anyway, I think a lot of spouses struggle with the anxiety...just at different degrees. Mine didn't go away...and then he was gone, so I had a whole different kind of anxiety/worry. I wish I had answers for you, but it's different for everyone. If you're already having panic attacks, I think it's probably best you keep seeing your doctor and talking about it. I really hope your body starts cooperating with you soon. I can't imagine how difficult it must be.

  2. I am sorry for all of the anxiety and stress, its so hard not to feel that way before a deployment. I wish I knew more about panic attacks, but I do know that I will be praying for you!

  3. Yes I did. And when I started living a different lifestyle it got better. I quit eating wheat/gluten and all processed foods ie paleo. And yes it took my anxiety away and it helped with my panic attacks. I also did therapy as I am a no go on ever taking medications and that also helped me learn how to deal with stress,anxiety. But I think changing how I ate is what helped the most

  4. Is this your first deployment? Regardless of whether it is or not, there is no easy way to deal with the pre-deployment stress. I remember when we first found out that the hubs was leaving again (which would mark our 3rd deployment), and for six months, that's all I thought about. I certainly didn't want to, but of course, my mind went there nearly every day. I have to say, it's definitely easier now that he's actually gone. The pre-deployment stress and anxiety is a million times harder. At least it is for me. Just cherish every day you have with him, no matter what's coming up. Deployment, TDY, or even if nothing at all.

    Hang in there, hon. We're all here if ya need us!

  5. Sorry to hear you are feeling so much stress and anxiety. The months leading up to our deployment were very stressful for me, but I think I ended up just burying these feelings. I finally hit a wall right after he left and they all came tumbling out. I was much better after that and once I got into a routine. I never saw a doctor, but you are smart for keeping up with yours. I'll be keeping you in my prayers for peace during these upcoming days!

  6. I hope everything goes well with the doctor tomorrow!

    I think I had more sadness than anxiety with the deployment, although I do remember certain news stories, etc., making me a total mess. I think it's normal to some degree.

    I really hope they find something to help you through it. Not fun at all!

  7. Pre-D is miserable, I really hope that everything goes well with your doctor. I was such a mess during pre-d things got better a few weeks after he left though and I was able to get into a routine. Lots of hugs and once he leaves if you ever want someone to get coffee with let me know!


I love hearing from you all! =)