Wednesday, January 4, 2012

The Elusiveness of Sleep

I've made it a little over a month now... I'm still having trouble sleeping. I'm sure most of you would think it has to do with being worried about my husband's safety, the fact that I rarely hear from him, and that I have no idea what he actually does.... but, you'd be (mostly) wrong. And that fact, makes me feel like a terrible wife.

It's not that I don't worry for him, I do. I pray everyday that God keeps him safe. I would love to hear from him more, I mean really hear his voice and not just see his name pop-up on my computer/phone, but such is life. I can't do anything about being more knowledgeable about his job, that's a big no-no.

After I've laid down for the night, gotten all comfy, said my prayer, read my book, and turned off the lights... it's like the wheels in my head take that as the "go-sign" to start turning. I think about everything! Missing my husband is usually the first thing, but then a whole slew of other items jump on the crazy-thought train: Going back to Hawaii and dealing with an empty house, both cars needing oil changes, re-arranging the living room, getting a new guinea pig, figuring out how to file our taxes correctly while he deployed, if I want to paint our bedroom wall, what bills are due when, my friend coming to visit and making sure the guest room is complete, getting rid of things we don't need, mosaics I want to make, it's a voting year and I don't know which state I'm allowed to register in, plans for our lanai, wanting to start a "deployment dinners club," as well as wanting to start a Bible study for wives going through deployment, hoping my boss gives me a promotion like we discussed before my vacation, then worried about the hours for the new work, and on and on...

I toss & turn the clock creeps by... 1am, 2am, 3am... if I'm still awake at that point my real anxiety kicks in and I feel the beginnings of a panic attack forming. The lights go back on to deter a fulll-on attack, then I start the routine over. Try to get comfortable, say another (different) prayer, read the next chapter in my book, and try turning the lights off again.

What on earth is wrong with me? 
I just want to sleep.


  1. I didn't *really* sleep well until he came home for R&R. Don't feel bad for not worrying every split second! That would be so mentally exhausting and you would have a breakdown. There is no way to do that. Lots of hugs and hoping you get some sleep.

  2. You're not a bad wife ... I was very similar when the hubs was in Afghanistan.

    As for some of your thoughts...utilize the free tax center on post! They do our taxes every year and it's a breeze. As for voting I believe you register in the state that is either your home of record or where you are currently living.

    Keep your head up ... you're a rockstar!

  3. After the first deployment unisome became my friend- as my wheels kept turning at night too. Not just about him being gone either but about how to get everything done by myself. By the third deployment I went to get a prescription from the doctor- it works great! I stop when he is home on R&R becasue I don't need it as well as about 2 weeks after he is home for good. We are on different sleep schedules for a bit- so take some adjusting. But it is totally normal to not sleep very well while they are gone- it just stinks!

  4. I dont sleep either :) and I constantly think about things and cry at night when hes gone. Its the only time I can be completely vulnerable and myself and let go without a care :) hang in there. one day at a time.

  5. No sleep for me! It's 12:30 AM for me... and I'm still kicking. I know he's awake on the other side of the planet, which makes me want to stay awake.. It's a terrible cycle.
    My mind wanders too. Especially when praying, then I don't even feel like I finished my prayer!

    On a side note: The word verification is "rantr"... thought that was funny. Aren't we all :o)

  6. I hope you're able to catch a break and get some rest soon. I know that's got to be rough. :(

    On another note, I adore your new blog look! So cute!!

  7. I had a hard time sleeping while Joe was deployed too. It got somewhat easier the longer he was gone, but it was still pretty rough. Someone recommended that I try Melatonin to help me sleep. It's an OTC vitamin supplement. Your body naturally produces melatonin when you are going to sleep, so this just kind of helps you along and I never woke up feeling groggy. I took it a lot while he was gone. I don't know how it would work with any meds you are on, but it'd be worth a shot if you can take it!


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