It's not that I don't worry for him, I do. I pray everyday that God keeps him safe. I would love to hear from him more, I mean really hear his voice and not just see his name pop-up on my computer/phone, but such is life. I can't do anything about being more knowledgeable about his job, that's a big no-no.
After I've laid down for the night, gotten all comfy, said my prayer, read my book, and turned off the lights... it's like the wheels in my head take that as the "go-sign" to start turning. I think about everything! Missing my husband is usually the first thing, but then a whole slew of other items jump on the crazy-thought train: Going back to Hawaii and dealing with an empty house, both cars needing oil changes, re-arranging the living room, getting a new guinea pig, figuring out how to file our taxes correctly while he deployed, if I want to paint our bedroom wall, what bills are due when, my friend coming to visit and making sure the guest room is complete, getting rid of things we don't need, mosaics I want to make, it's a voting year and I don't know which state I'm allowed to register in, plans for our lanai, wanting to start a "deployment dinners club," as well as wanting to start a Bible study for wives going through deployment, hoping my boss gives me a promotion like we discussed before my vacation, then worried about the hours for the new work, and on and on...
I toss & turn the clock creeps by... 1am, 2am, 3am... if I'm still awake at that point my real anxiety kicks in and I feel the beginnings of a panic attack forming. The lights go back on to deter a fulll-on attack, then I start the routine over. Try to get comfortable, say another (different) prayer, read the next chapter in my book, and try turning the lights off again.
What on earth is wrong with me?
I just want to sleep.